All the Colors of Autumn
by LexaRose
Summary: warnings: yaoi, death, angst, sap. Oishi spends an anniversary thinking about a loved one. OishiEiji


**Title:** All the Colors of Autumn  
**Author:** LexaRose

**Pairings:** Oishi/Eiji  
**Warnings:** DEATH.  Sap.  Angst.  Oishi POV.

**Summary:**Oishi spends an anniversary thinking of a loved one.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Prince of Tennis, all the boys would be paired with each other, so that's why I write fanfiction.

Leaves swirl in a spiral of wind, their colors mingling with each other, the sound like a waterfall of laughter to be answered with a smile.  Their colors are so like your hair, but could never compare to that vibrant shade of red, infused with golden and brown highlights.  I think about you all the time, but never like I do on a beautiful autumn day like today.

I have so many memories of you tied up in the fall.  Sitting in our rooms, studying for cram school together; you were so determined to get into the same university I did.  I'll never forget how proud I was when the results came in and you got the grades you needed.

That was the first time we kissed.  You were so happy and threw your arms around me in a hug.  I expected it, it's a typical reaction for you; you were always very tactile, even, and maybe especially, when we were younger.  What I didn't expect was the tentative brush of your lips against mine.

That kiss, along with every one that followed, made me feel whole; complete.  The Golden Pair was never as good apart as they could be together, that's what you always told me.  We learned that those words were truer than either of us ever imagined.  I think back and wonder how I ever could have thought my life could have been complete with someone other than you in it.

Fall was when we moved in together.  Your family was so accepting of our relationship, as if it didn't matter that we were both men, it made me wonder if they had known something all along that we were too blind to see.  It also made me ashamed of my own family's reaction to our news.  I'll never be able to forgive them for that, no matter how they've been acting now.

Even with the mixed blessings, we set up our first home together.  It was this incredibly tiny one-bedroom apartment, but it was ours.  Thinking back on your excitement at finally being on our own, truly making a life for ourselves, it still brings a smile to my face. 

It is also the time of year when all things beautiful and vibrant slowly fade and die.  This proved to be true for you as well.  You never told us that you were sick as a child, never mentioned that your stamina problems in middle school stemmed from a life-threatening illness, something that could, and did, come back to haunt you.

I was so angry, so hurt that you had never confided this most secret of secrets in me, the man you chose to share your life with, but I understand your decision more now.  You always lived your life to the fullest, and by admitting this to me especially, you wouldn't have been able to.  I know this now, but I don't like it.  I don't like knowing that you knew me enough to know not to trust me with this.  And I'm sorry, so sorry that you had to carry that burden on your own.

It started simply; you started getting dizzy spells that I didn't even know about at first.  But then one weekend, we were just doing normal household chores, same as we always did, and you fainted.  That was the first time in my life that I felt truly helpless.

I called your parents, and when your mother answered she was upset, yet I heard a hint of resignation in her voice that confused me at the time.  She gave me the number of your doctor, whom I called immediately.  He insisted that I bring you down to see him right then, and although you fought against it upon waking up, I picked you up and placed you in the car.

It's a surreal sort of numbness that overtakes you when you hear that the person who is your partner, best friend, lover, and soul mate is going to die. 

You had been born with a hole in your heart, not uncommon, but something that needed to be kept an eye on.  Combine that with an active lifestyle, and while it kept you healthy, at the same time it hurt you.  The murmur became more severe over the years, the walls and valves of your heart weakening.

Your doctor said he was amazed that you had lasted as long as you did, that it was your will to live, your love of life and the world around you that kept you here this long.  How can he say that this is long?  You haven't even reached your 25th birthday yet, and he says he doesn't think you'll make it there without a transplant.  That your heart is too weak to stand up to the operations it would need.

I wanted to scream, to cry, to rage at the fates that could do this to you, to me, to us.  Why give me the one thing that makes my life golden, and then take it away like this?  My emotions are pulling me in a million different directions when one single word from you makes me stand still.

No.

I have to be hearing things; you can't possibly want to turn down the chance to be able to live.  But when I turn to you and look into deep blue eyes that are filled with sadness and resolution, I feel my shoulders slump, my argument dying on my tongue.

When we got home, you explained that you didn't want to hinge the rest of your life on whether or not the perfect donor was found in time, whether or not your body accepted the transplant, because if it was rejected, there would likely be no second chance.  Your reason for that choice: me.  You didn't want to put me through hoping, to have you snatched away from me; that it would be better to just enjoy what we have left together.

You confessed one other thing to me that night.  That you didn't think you would have lived past high school.  You said that meeting me, playing tennis with me, it made you want to keep living, keep striving to be better, to be stronger.  You told me you loved me back then, but never thought you'd never be around for us to be able to have some sort of a life together.

Everything suddenly clicked into place for me.  I finally understood just why you absolutely had to get into the same university as I did, why you took the chance and kissed me when we found out your results.  Why you knew that I was in love with you for so long, and waited to point it out to me.

What was left for us to do, but to enjoy what time we had left together?  I took leave from work, and stayed home with you.  We spent our days cooking, playing games, watching movies, just being together.  We even went and did all the touristy things we never would have thought of doing.  Our nights were spent making love.

Soon enough you got too weak to venture out of the apartment often (we had moved to a larger one by then), and a piece of me died every day as I watched the man I love slowly waste away.  You did have one final goal, and that was to make it to his 25th birthday, just to prove everyone wrong once again.

When the day came around, we had your whole family over, as well as our close friends.  No matter your health, you were still radiant with happiness that you had made it this far; you were still the beautiful man that I love with my whole being.

That night, as we lay together in each other's arms, you slipped away like the waning of fall.  Before I even woke up, I knew you were gone, and I could no longer hold back the tears that I had kept at bay for so long.  I could finally stop trying to be the strong one; I could hold you to me for just a moment and mourn what we had, what we lost, what would never be.

It's been a year now, and it's your birthday once again.  I brought you flowers, chrysanthemums.  They're beautiful, in all the colors of autumn, all the colors that remind me of you.  They say that chrysanthemums mean friendship and cheer.  It's only too appropriate that they are the flowers of your birth, of the fall that you are so a part of.  You weren't just my partner, weren't just my lover, you were my best friend, who knew me better than anyone else could ever possibly, even now that you are gone from my side.  You also brought cheer to everyone around you, you shared your joy in living with all of us, made us better people for having known you. 

As I kneel in front of your headstone, placing the flowers at the base of it, my hand raises to trace the words engraved there.  _Kikumaru Eiji: always full of life, he'll live on in ours_.

All of a sudden a gust of wind set the leaves around me dancing in the air, and as I close my eyes, I can feel your arms around me once again.  I might not be able to be with you again just yet, but I know that you are still here with me, waiting for me, just like you did before. 


End file.
